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FAQ: How do I get over my ex?

So many girls write to me about their relationships, and I do my best to give the advice that God lays on my heart. There are so many of us hurting from past relationships, whether its our fault or not, sometimes we just need a little help getting through it.
I’m very matter of fact most of the time, so when someone asks me, “How do I get over my ex?” I want to answer them with, “You just do!” However, more often than not, it is more complicated than that. Hurt and pain doesn’t go away over night, and neither do our feelings for past relationships.

{Breaking up is hard to do} I understand! I would love to give you a magic potion or a 5 step process to getting rid of unwanted feelings, but, unfortunately, I can not. So, instead, I am going to give you just a few things to remember at those times when you feel sad, lonely, or just plain old overwhelmed.

So here we go.

1. Staying friends is your choice.

There are many factors that weigh into the decision to remain friends with an ex: length of time you dated, emotional investment, and who broke up with who. I think the ultimate choice should be up to the person who was broken up with, and, obviously, if you are trying to get over said ex, you probably didn’t do the dumping.

Personally, I do not keep regular contact with any of my exes that broke up with me. It’s just not healthy for me. Some of them have tried to contact me. I told some of them what was what {imagine that lol}, and the others, I had small conversations with, wished them well, and left it at that- no hard feelings. This is how I feel about that–> First, I am not going to “be friends” with someone who treated me poorly so that you can feel better about your mistakes. You made your choices, and now you can just miss me. I’ve been healed and have moved on. Sorry I’m not sorry. Secondly, if you wanted to talk to me everyday and keep up with my life, and thoughts, and emotions, you shouldn’t have broken up with me. You had your chance and I will not continue to share parts of my heart that are reserved for someone who deeply cares about me. I can not continue with my life and still share my heart with you.

There are a lot of people who do stay friends with their exes, and that is their decision, but I think a lot of times all it leads to is allowing these people to fill emotional needs in your life that will keep you from being able to pursue a healthy relationship with someone that will actually be interested in sticking around. Stop having an emotional affair with your ex. As long as you stay tied to that person, you can never move on. Does that makes sense? The more you hold on to your ex, the more you communicate and still share your heart with that person, the more hold on to hope that you might possibly get back together, the more you get emotional needs met by this ex, the more the RIGHT person can’t get through. Ultimately, you have to realize and own the fact that choice is yours, especially since there is no rule that says you have to be friends with your ex.

2. Accept the complete overness of your relationship. {I know, that’s not a word.}

So you dated them. You tried it out. It didn’t work. It didn’t work yesterday, so why do you think that it will work tomorrow? Inevitably after a break up, you sit and think about all the good times that you had. Rarely do you think about all the things that were out of place, or off-key, or just plain stupidly wrong about the relationship. Time helps that. Give it a little time and you will be thinking more clearly. Why didn’t you work out? There are reasons. There are too many possibly reasons to even guess so I won’t even try, but the bottom line is that if it had been perfect, then you would still be together. These reasons, whether they were mutual or just the other person’s feelings, were very real. In the end, they don’t want to be with you because of these reasons, and that is their decision. So answer this– why are you sad about ending a relationship with a person who didn’t want to be with you in the first place? That’s their problem. You rock.

3. Closure is overrated.

A lot of people are like, “I wish I could see him one last time.” “I wish I could just ask him why.” “I wish he could just explain to me every little detail about why we didn’t work out.” Well, let it go… because you may not ever get to see or have that conversation with that person, and, put on your shocked face, you don’t need to! You need to accept the fact that it is over, heal up your heart, and get out there and start exploring possibilities that may end in- oh, I don’t know- a successful relationship, maybe? Just stop holding on to what you think you need from them, and close the book yourself. You can do it without their help.

4. Learn to love “single.”

Contrary to popular belief, being single is not a disease. And although I don’t want to be single forever, I happen to enjoy being single a whole lot. There are so many things I get to do and have and experience because I am single– because I can. No matter what anybody says, being single is far smarter, easier, and more fulfilling than being in a wrong relationship any day of the week. Plain and simple, as long as I am single and unattached, I am open to the possibility of finding the man of my dreams. My whole human love story hasn’t even happened yet. I have it all to look forward to! That’s something to be excited about.

5. Your ex doesn’t define you.

Just because they had their reasons for cutting you loose doesn’t mean that you are unworthy of love. That is the whole dating process. Sometimes you lose…. I mean, you only really win once if marriage is the goal- and it should be the goal of dating. “Losing” once or twice or three or four- ok I’ll stop there-Β  it doesn’t mean you are doomed to be forever alone. It means you get back up, put on some lipstick, and keep right on moving. You are worth it, and so is your future. And hey……

6. God has a plan.

We have a hope that nobody else has. If you are a child of God, then he has promised to take care of you. Yessssss! I don’t have to worry about anything! Because as long as I do my part in “forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forth to those things which are before…” He is going to lead me every step of the way. He has always taken care of the ones who are faithful to him. So keep your head up, let go of your ex, and surrender your love life completely to God. God can’t pour his blessings into hands that are already full. If we can’t let go, then we can not receive what he has in store for us. If we sit and cry and bang and scratch at the door that he has closed, how will we ever even notice, let alone walk through, the wonderful, beautiful doors that He is about to open? We won’t.

So, like I said, there is no magical formula, but there are some logical and healthy reasons that you should get over your ex. Now, you can either choose to pine over a person who is choosing every day NOT to be with you, or can refocus your eyes back on your savior, put joy back into your heart by realizing all of his promises for you, and find someone who will light up your life with their complete adoration of your beautiful, Christ-consumed heart.

It really is your choice. :]