I still remember what it was like to be single. It wasn’t easy. These days, it seems like many or even most guys don’t even want to get married. They just want to play around with a bunch of girl’s hearts to feed their egos, and most girls play right into their traps. So what do guys actually think about marriage? I asked. Because we want to know. And, let me tell you. They are out there. The good guys, who have a right and proper view of marriage and who are looking for the girls who believe the same.
Of course there will always be cynics with a strange and jaded view of marriage like Tim here…
You can take my singlehood only after you pry it from my cold, dead fingers. The marriage rate has been declining for decades for very, very good reasons. The marriage rate in the US is at its lowest point for very, very good reasons. One of those reasons is that 10s upon 10s of millions of men have been destroyed through it, in the US alone, over the past 50 years. Every year, 10s upon 10s of thousands of men, in that same time span, in the US alone, commit suicide as a result. No one cares. Marriage will continue to decline for all but those that can survive psychologically and financially following a divorce. That means mostly women and financially well off men will want to get married. Those that can’t survive the aftermath of a divorce will continue to avoid marriage in ever increasing numbers. That means that men will increasingly avoid marriage. One very telling statistic is that women’s suicide rate remains unchanged following divorce while men’s suicide rate skyrockets. That one stat tells you pretty much everything you need to know regarding the differences between men and women. – Tim
Yikes……But the truth is that godly men care about the sanctity of marriage, and are prepared to fulfill their roles as godly husbands. Keep in mind that these are real men’s answers, not altered in any way. I asked these men to write in answers to the following questions:
1. If you are unmarried, do you want to get married?
2. What do you think your role is in FINDING a wife?
3. Are you currently fulfilling this role?
4. What do you think a godly marriage should look like?
And here are their answers…. enjoy!
I absolutely do want to get married one day but I don’t know if I want to find that person at this time. God is really changing my heart and I’m really enjoying climbing the ladder in my career and being free to spend time with my friends. I think my role is ultimately to become more like Christ every day. To prepare myself to love some selflessly and find my identity in Christ more and more so that I don’t have to put my insecurities and my hope on another person. And also I obviously believe in being active. If I see a cute girl at church a couple of times I’ll approach her. I strive to be intentional and take girls on dates without playing games. So far nothing has turned into anything but I’ve got pretty high standards and I have faith God will either meet my standards, change my standards, or fulfill those desires Himself. I am absolutely doing my best. I try to rely more on Him and let Him work in my heart every day. I am pursuing sexual purity in my walk even though I do fall short. And I feel like I really keep the doors open for God to bring me someone special through the way I take action in pursuing girls. I would just say that I’m very patient about it and am in no rush. The best change of my entire life was coming to the conclusion that it really would be okay if I never got married. That God really is enough for me and I won’t settle because I don’t need a marriage to be fulfilled. Selfless, sacrificial, forgiving, tough, spirit filled, scripture-driven, relentless, daily pursuing love. – Bradley
Marriage has been on my mind for the past years and is a goal in my life I consider highly important in serving God. I think that a personal foundation for one’s family calling is more important than searching frantically for a wife. This is because one must have an established Christ-honoring lifestyle before inviting someone into your life. After that’s taken care of, a man’s role is to leave his comfort zone in search of someone who best fits his calling for a family. When a good woman is found, the man should patiently and respectably get to know her and her family. A godly successful marriage should always reflect Christ by giving unconditional love (including to oneself), forgiving mistakes, and serving others with their combined talent. Man cannot achieve this alone, but I look forward to fulfilling this role when God reveals the opportunity. – Austin, 22
I wouldn’t mind getting married in the next two years, honestly, but as a third-culture kid (born and raised in Australia to South Indian parents, but now living in the States), there are a lot of cultural, spiritual and traditional obligations that are placed on me and other people in similar situations; such as the potential spouse’s family history, denominational background, personal career choices, permanent location, etc. Since my parents have an arranged marriage, this also adds to the confusion. When looking for a wife, my role is definitely that of looking out for the best interests of us both, in terms of how we serve God, each other, and the community around us. Since I haven’t started my search (yet), I would say I am preparing myself for it both mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. A truly Godly marriage puts the interests of the other ahead of one’s own, is a model of forgiveness and love, and seeks to put God first in every area of the union between both flesh. – Joseph K.
I want to get married too. Now that I see my friends getting engaged and married too I feel that pressure. I think Christian guys are more likely to want to get married earlier. I also believe that God has made me more patient by allowing me to wait to get married. My girlfriend and I have grown closer in the last 2 years and spent more time making sure this is what we want. My role in finding a wife is first trusting God. He will bless you with a good wife, and he will also talk to you. If men listen to God he will tell us if we are in a unhealthy relationship. I believe I am fulfilling this role, I ask God for guidance and wisdom constantly. My girlfriend and I challenge each other in our faith. That helps us to grow both closer to God and closer to each other. I believe christians should encourage each other in their faith and challenge each other to grow. I think that a Godly marriage should focus on the love first from God and then love to each other. We can Love because God first loved us. (1 John 4:19). – Dean, 20
My tongue-in-cheek reply when family ask why I haven’t got a girlfriend is: ‘Shall I concentrate on my studies or making babies?’ Joking aside, I’m hiding from rejection, pain, and commitment. God utilises the institution of marriage to illustrate His love for us. This is ‘covenantal’ love – transcending ‘fancy’ or ‘friendship’. It’s a commitment that ‘I will’* do the loving even when my wife isn’t so (physically) attractive anymore or when our interests don’t align. It mimics my relationship with Jesus. Sinful, disobedient, and unfaithful – yet Jesus waits at the altar and I turn up spotless because he came to die and grant me redemption. He ‘did’ the loving act of dying on a cross: marriage epitomises that sacrificial love. He pursued me. I ought to pursue ‘her’. I’m still afraid and, should God place someone on my heart, I’ll be praying for guidance and courage (to, even, take the baby-step and ask how she feels). Beyond that, a godly marriage needs God at its centre – tautological, perhaps(!). It means more than frequent prayers, scriptural studying, and church-going with a spouse. It means imitating that ‘doing’ love that Jesus demonstrated. A tall order… I know. – Gabriel, 20
Although I am currently single, I have a deep internal desire to be married. My parents have been married nearly 30 years, and they have provided a wonderful example to me of a godly marriage. They display incredible sacrificial love for each other, and (usually) do their best to exemplify the ideals set forth in Ephesians. Things were not always this way, but watching their marriage grow and flourish as it passed the milestones of 15, 20, and 25 years has been inspiring. It is not incorrect to say that I am searching for a wife (as opposed to merely a girlfriend). In this process I feel that many guys place too little focus on an inward perspective. We often have some set of standards that we would like our future wife to meet, but it necessary that we aspire to hold ourselves to similar standards. We should aim to improve our relationship with God, maintain purity of body and mind, and commit ourselves into godly service (and the list doesn’t stop there). Anybody man who thinks that he has completed these objectives is lying to himself, as internal work can never be truly finished. – Rich, 25
I am unmarried with the desire of being married. I used to think my role in finding a wife was to completely prepare myself for my future marriage and for the spouse God intended for me. I realized that this was part of my role in finding a wife, but it should never have been the first step. I was missing the true glory of the greatest love ever known to mankind. I had to quit trying to make myself ready for a future relationship and look at just how much Jesus already loved me. When we rest in the love of Christ, we are made pure through His blood. This allows us to prepare ourselves to find a spouse. For me to participate in this role, I had to be content in singleness and understand that the love of Jesus is everything that I will ever need and that He was making me pure. As the Church we are the bride of Christ. That is the example of marriage to follow. To love no matter the circumstance. That is exactly what our marriages should represent. To show others the love of Christ through marriage. – Alex, 21
Yes I would like to get married. I think my role when searching for a wife should be to establish myself and my relationship with God first. Without him it will fail. After that I think you need seek a woman that will not go against your relationship with God but encourage you to grow and want to grow with you. After that he will allow it to fall into place because you are both focused on him and putting him first. The bible tells us that God is a jealous God. Honestly, starting out I was not fulfilling this role but I did re-prioritize and instead of putting my girlfriend before God I put God before her and now we seem to do better and the fact I did seek a woman who wanted a godly relationship helps. Now that we are focused on him I am able to fulfill this role. I think a godly marriage should look like you both seeking him everyday then each other but him first. If you do that I believe he will not let your marriage fail. I believe if kids come into the picture, you should both spend time talking about Jesus and God to the kids. But they have to see you loving what you are telling them also. – Adam, 22
Right now I am unmarried and yes I would love to get married one day. My role in finding a wife is to seek God first and when the time is right to pursue a girl. Right now I am filling this role. God is my number one priority and I am waiting to pursue the girl God has for me. A Godly marriage should represent Christ and what the biblical definition of what it should be. You are also constantly working to strive for a better marriage and committing yourself to them. It should be fun, encouraging, and serious, but it should also show unconditional love, serving one another without expectations for something in return, admitting faults, not boastful in rights, and the representation of how Christ loved the church. – Dalton, 21
I am currently unmarried and looking to get married. With that being said, not with just anyone. My role in finding a wife is to be myself and confident around the ladies. Being the partner that I also want by representing Christ in everything I do. In some instances yes. I do however think I can be a little more confident around some of the ladies and initiate conversation first instead of waiting for a “perfect moment” when there isn’t one. Also I don’t agree with getting to know the person and talking and what not because that’s the whole point of being in a relationship is to get to know the person and in this era I’m in it’s hard to find girls who believe the same way as far as relationships go. A godly marriage is an on going relationship with that person. I think it’s more of loving an individual and not having selfish motives behind why you love the person. You love them regardless if they cook or clean for you. When you said yes to Jesus you don’t know Him at all but you have all of eternity to get to know Him.. Marriage is the same way!! Obviously since Jesus used it as a example of us and Him. – Gary
I’m not married at the moment (single) but I do want to get married one day. I believe my role is simple. Finding a woman that loves Jesus more than anything else. It sounds cliche and it’s hard to find in these days but in all honesty, everything I look for in a girl stems from that. Once I know that to be true, I am the pursuer. I will passionately pursue her because of one reason, I can see myself marrying her. Because of circumstances at the moment, I’m not pursuing anyone. I think a godly marriage can be summed up in one word; devotion. Relentless devotion to God and each other. When the going gets tough, you still pursue God and each other. When you’re unsure of the future, you remain devoted to Christ and His unfailing promises. It’s also a beautiful mix of selflessness and love. The man and woman know that they can’t love each other as much as Jesus loves them and thats fine. Marriage is two ordinary people coming together in a beautiful union to symbolize Christ and His Church. – Ian, 20
I would like to get married someday. There is a fine line between having a healthy desire and spending excessive time on it. The period of time you are a single man is unique and you will miss opportunities to grow closer to Christ if the idea of a relationship becomes an idol. My role in finding a wife is asking out a lady whose clear number one priority in life is Jesus Christ and to continue pursuing her if she is interested. Yes, I would say that I am currently fulfilling that role. On a practical level, it is getting to know Christian girls as friends. Through that, you learn what their priorities are and how they act in various situations. It is hard to accept when you find a girl who does love Christ and lives her life for Him, but is not interested in you. However, you just have to shake it off and move on. A godly marriage is a man and a woman who live to love and honor God with their lives. They love each other for they are. Through the ups and downs of marriage, they grow closer to Jesus and each other. – Paul, 21
When I was 21, I wanted to get married for the worst reasons: I wanted to be able to have sex and I wanted to be like my friends, who were all getting married young. Now, at age 31, I’ve been much more broken. I want to be married because I want a gospel-centered covenant. I want people to look at us and see Jesus, not just romance. Before finding a wife, I need to be found in Jesus. I think the best gift I can give my wife will be the work I’ve allowed Jesus to do on my heart. That can only happen if He’s my first love. I think if men do this, they will find the women God has already found for them. A godly marriage, I believe, looks like Jesus on the cross. It is cruciform. Both the husband and the wife willingly setting themselves aside for the sake of the other, pointing the other to Jesus and the gospel at every turn…and with every action taken and word spoken to embody Paul’s words from 1 Corinthians 15:31: “I die daily.” – Steven, 31
I am unmarried and truthfully am really looking forward to marriage. I can’t imagine how wonderful it must be to know that no matter what you do or where you go, you get to experience it with the person you love most by your side. I think my role in finding a wife is: to seek Jesus with my whole mind, body, and heart. I believe that if I am seeking Him and desiring Him then he will place a girl in my life that he intends for me to marry. I am currently seeking the Lord but at times I do fail to give him all of me on a day to day basis. I believe a godly marriage consists of a man and a woman serving each other first and foremost. As well as putting their spouse before themselves. Even when it may be tough I believe they must continue to serve each other for Christ’s sake because I’m sure there will be times when it is hard on your own strength. – Daniel, 18
Up until this year I wanted to get married with absolute certainty. As God has shown me more clearly my sinful nature I’ve become afraid of the idea that I will fail often as a husband. It will take alot of grace on both parts–complete dependency on God to fulfill my role–it’s a bit daunting. Also, when I became super content with God my other disproportionate desires lessened greatly. I think Matt Chandler put it best: to pursue friendships with Christian women in hopes that one may develop into a marriage. Right now I’m busy–not many opportunities to find those friendships. There’s none at my church, but I don’t want to leave my church, either. Bible studies seem like an excellent manner of finding someone, but it also seems wrong to go for that reason. Trust God, that’s all I got lol. Focus on Jesus, stay dedicated to growing and reaching others; and pray with thanksgiving for the other things you desire. A godly marriage should display grace, love, respect, sacrifice, patience, etc. A wife’s heart should incline to support her husband’s decisions and a husband’s to give his life for her, learn her, and love her unconditionally. A man cannot be a husband until he knows how to submit to Christ. A godly marriage flourishes from the inside and continues by enriching others through service. – Ray, 25
If you are single today, let this post encourage you that there are men out there that want to get married, and want to do marriage God’s way. They aren’t all players and jerks. Don’t lose hope that God will, in His time, bring you the man of God that he is preparing for you. Keep dong what’s right. Commit to God’s perfect ways, and someday, your prince will come, and it will be better than you ever dreamed. Because it will be all yours and it will be real.